Conflict is inevitable but divisiveness is avoidable. How we handle human conflict determines whether the outcome is unity or division.
There is great opportunity for us as leaders to improve our current cultural circumstances by using our influence wisely. When our EQ matches our IQ, it’s amazing what can be accomplished.
I have long believed that diversity plus maturity equals strength. We don’t have to agree to make one another stronger. In fact, it is in the integration of the best of our differences that we become better together.
For example, as a pastor I’m well aware of deeply held theological and denominational differences among churches. But when those differences are partnered with maturity, they bring strength to any team, and the body of Christ overall because together we think deeper and see more clearly.
On the other hand, different opinions, diverse perspectives, and opposing priorities can get the best of those you lead and cause even your best leaders to experience heated conflict with each other.
The local church escapes none of these current realities, and candidly, the amperage may be intensified because they are often connected to biblical convictions.
The aim for leaders is not to avoid conflict, instead, we need to become very skilled and intentional about resolving conflict.
We must come to the table not to win, but to seek solutions for the greater good.
In order to be good at conflict resolution, the first step is to know and understand the primary internal causes. (The essence of conflict is not global it is personal.) When we understand what is within us that contributes to conflict, we can begin to recognize and deal with it before it gets the best of us.
7 Primary Internal Causes of Conflict:
- Immaturity: When we refuse to take responsibility for our actions, behave impulsively, and will not admit to being wrong.
- Self-Centeredness: When we demand that our community must revolve around our wants and desires.
- Insecurity: When we don’t feel good enough about ourselves to feel good about others.
- Pride: When we compare ourselves to others in ways to feel superior to others.
- Controlling Nature: When we fail at trust, empowerment, and handling uncertainty, we attempt to control.
- Fear: When we fear loneliness, rejection, abandonment, and being manipulated etc., and behave accordingly.
- Broken Trust: When we function from a wound of trust that has been violated.
An unmet expectation or desire is often the core issue underneath conflict, but the bottom line is that we didn’t get what we wanted. This passage in James says it well.
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures (James 4:1-3).
We wrestle with some of these internal causes that lead to the more visible (external) expressions of conflict.
